


Hulk Confused

by Sabulum



Series: The Prompt Fic of Mischief [3]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: "Frozen Vegetables", Crack, Crack Pairing, Innuendo, M/M, cracky crack crack, may necessitate the use of Brain Bleach, not even sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-06-03
Packaged: 2017-11-13 15:59:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/505245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sabulum/pseuds/Sabulum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers don't appreciate Hulk. Especially Tony. But guess who does...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hulk Confused

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time this one hit me out of the blue, and I had no choice but to put down the resultant cracky images for posterity. Then I included some Hulk/Loki, even though I don't ship it, because Norsekink, and why the heck not? ...Written before my love of Science Bros, so in other words right after the Avengers came out.
> 
> Side note: my nickname for Hulk/Loki (in the vein of Frostiron) is "Frozen Vegetables." Because Hulk is a green giant, and Loki is a frost giant, and together this makes me think of frozen peas.
> 
>  **Title:** Hulk Confused  
>  **Genre:** Humor  
>  **Rating:** T (for crack and minor language)  
>  **Timeline:** None specific.  
>  **Characters:** Hulk, Loki, Tony, and a bit of the other Avengers. Implied Hulk/Loki because I’m crazy like that.  
>  **Warnings:** Un-beta-ed. Cracky crack crack! The crackiest of crack alerts! Also, possible brain bleach required.  
>  **Prompt:** _Not so much prompted, but inspired by one of my NaNo cabinmates. “… Or the obvious 'Hulk taking anger management classes'. And I do mean Hulk there, it's no fun if Bruce is the one taking the classes.” Clearly, I took this as a challenge._

“Hulk not happy,” the big guy stated.

Tony, clad in full Iron Man armor and backed up by the Avengers, sighed and risked patting the Hulk’s massive arm. “I know, green bean. I know.”

The giant’s unhappy look made him withdraw that hand quickly.

“Hulk not want to change!” he raged, slamming a fist down on (and subsequently breaking) the coffee table. Luckily, this dingy room in HQ had been selected just for such a purpose, so Tony felt no grief in seeing the ugly ‘50s piece destroyed.

“I know, big guy. I know,” Tony said supportively. “But you’re kind of a loose cannon, you’ve gotta admit. The collateral damage is just too much for SHIELD’s budget. Fury insisted that we… well, _help you out_ I guess.”

Tony conveniently forgot to mention his _own_ wild destructive tendencies, which Fury had berated him for not an hour ago. Even so, Hulk frowned suspiciously, and Tony couldn’t help but wonder just how smart the big guy actually was.

He swiftly changed the subject.

“Anywho, you’ve got the best counselors available! …Us!” Tony gestured to the gathered Avengers, flashing his best charming grin.

Hulk was not amused. “You not psychiatrist.”

Tony’s grin fought to stay alive. “Well, no. Okay. So maybe Fury didn’t say that _we_ should do it, exactly. But we still—”

“Hulk not a game,” the giant frowned. “Not here for your fun. You take Hulk serious.”

Tony looked to the other Avengers for support. They remained silent, clearly not interested in the least. His grin fizzled and died.

Tony sighed. “Look. Hulk,” he leveled. “I don’t really want to do this either. But billionaire philanthropist or no, I still have to—” Choke. “—answer to the boss, and—” Gag. “—do what he says. On occasion. Like right now.” Tony looked away with a pained grimace.

Lord, but Fury had threatened to send him to AA! He just couldn’t do it.

A hint of Bruce showed through when the Hulk repeated, firmly; “Stark is not psychiatrist. Stark visits them.”

“Yes, exactly!” Tony exclaimed in frustration. “I’ve had therapy more times than I want to count. I’ve seen how it works from the inside! And, y’know, I am a genius, so it shouldn’t be too hard to deconstruct their methods and apply them to you—AND!” He rushed on at Hulk’s scowl. “And we’ve got Steve with us, who hides the sensitive soul of an artist beneath that patriotic red, white and blue exterior—” Steve froze awkwardly, managing a slight smile and wave. “—Natasha, who practically psychoanalyzes people for a living—” Natasha just nodded. “—Clint, who is full of juicy issues, just like you!—” Clint scowled, struck by the feeling that he’d been insulted. “—and, and Thor! Who has all kinds of experience with crazy people! I mean, just look at his family.” Thor’s frown was deep and full of disapproval.

Tony fought bravely on; “Look at all the experience between us. I mean, we’re set. With a team like this, how can we _not_ make great therapists?”

No-one spoke.

Hulk stared, not moving.

Tony shifted awkwardly, keeping up his broad, fake smile with incredible effort. His teammates’ silence was not helping his case. He could feel the fate of his alcoholism hanging in the balance.

Suddenly, the assorted Avengers found themselves frozen, unable to move a muscle—all except Hulk, who just blinked.

“Well, Tony Stark, that wasn’t a very nice thing to say,” came a familiar (if disembodied) voice. “Thor’s family is not _entirely_ composed of lunatics. Frigga is not so bad.” Then he appeared from the shadows, smirking with an obvious air of satisfaction. If the Avengers could glare from within their bindings, they surely would have—for the man was none other than Loki.

The Hulk was unfazed. In fact, he eyed the trickster with a distinct predatory air. “Puny god. You back.”

Loki summoned a wingback chair for himself and sat down. “The one and only,” he said with a self-deprecating smile.

Hulk shifted, scratching his chin. “Why you back?”

“Why, for you, of course!” Loki beamed.

“…Give real reason.”

The god was not dissuaded by Hulk’s frown, nor by the gazes of the other Avengers fixed roughly in his general direction. He stretched languidly in his chair, crossing his legs and tenting his hands in front of his face. “For once, my big green friend, I am not lying. I came simply because I wished to help you.”

“Hulk no need help.” The giant’s frown deepened.

“Oh, but you do,” Loki insisted. “These fellows seek to change you, while I, on the other hand, like you perfectly well just the way you are.”

Hulk blinked at this. “You… like Hulk?”

“Yes, of course. Why not?”

The green man was confused. “But Hulk smash you.”

“Yes. I’ve always been a bit of a masochist,” Loki grinned.

“Hulk not smart like Bruce.”

“This is true. And indeed, Bruce is a fine mortal—I admire his mind,” Loki agreed. “But you… amuse me. You remind me somewhat of my brother.” His look at that was disturbingly intense, though this went unnoticed by the only non-frozen Avenger. The rest would have flinched, if they could, at his leer.

Inside his prison, Thor shuddered and preened at the same time.

“Hulk much bigger than you,” the giant tried again, sounding hesitant. To prove this, he stretched up and out to his full, intimidating size.

Loki’s grin only widened. “I _know_ ,” he practically purred. “I like that.”

If the Avengers could, they would have boggled in horror at Loki’s blatant seductiveness. Hulk missed the implication, though, and just nodded, looking uncharacteristically thoughtful. He hunched back down to his normal posture, scratching his head.

Finally, he said in a very quiet voice: “People no like Hulk.”

“They don’t like me much, either.” Loki’s expression at this was utterly serious.

That was enough to finally sway the not-so-jolly green giant.

The Avengers could only stare on helplessly as Hulk turned to frown at them—moreso Tony, really—and walked pointedly over to Loki’s chair. “Loki appreciate Hulk,” he said over his shoulder. “Hulk no like you now. Go with him instead.”

He turned to look at Tony. “Hulk especially no like you.”

Loki smirked broadly.

Then, just like that, with a mocking bow and a gesture from the trickster, they were gone.

The Avengers were freed from their prisons, but could only stare with assorted expressions of disbelief. Except that Natasha actually looked sort of relieved… and Steve seemed vaguely sad… and Clint was indifferent. And Thor was smiling like he’d just finished a sappy romance novel, which was just wrong.

Okay, so maybe it was just Tony who was shocked—but dammit, he was shocked enough for all five of them!

“What the hell just happened?” he demanded, spinning around in a frustrated circle. The other Avengers had no answer.

Thor stared at the place where his brother had been with a vaguely wistful smile. “Loki has found a new love.”

At that, the Avengers (finally) assembled, fixing the Thunder God with matching disturbed stares. Thor said nothing, but chuckled at some inside joke.

Silently, the Avengers vowed never to discuss Loki’s love life again.

Tony had no clue how he was going to explain this to Fury in a way that _wouldn’t_ get him sent to AA. But one thing was for certain: poor Bruce was in for a shock when he woke up.

 **THE END.**  
(or is it?)


End file.
